Mom, This is What I Wanna Do When I Grow Up
David Letterman in all his 1980's glory, setting fashion trends for the next several centuries:
Dave Wears the Velcro Suit
Dave Wears the Suit of Magnets
Dave Wears the Sponge Suit
I now have a new answer when people ask me that dreaded question, "If you could have any one job in the world, what would it be."
Even if the good old days were good
Even if the old days were golden days
Even if the good old days were good
The past is a terrible place to live...
- Steve Hogarth
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Empty Calories: McDonald's, Def Leppard, and Shaniah Twain
I grew up listening to bands like Def Leppard. Last week, I took a stroll down memory lane and bought a copy of their Adrenalize CD for about three bucks. It had been about 5 years since I'd listened to Def Leppard. In that time, I'd rediscovered grunge, accepted the Radiohead fad, and become more interested in obscure progressive rock bands like Marillion and King Crimson than glam metal.
I sat down to listen to Adrenalize as I ate my double cheeseburger from McDonald's. Needless to say, the cheese flowed liberally in more ways than one. It is amazing how comparable the music of Def Leppard is to a meal from McDonald's. You enjoy the first few bites, or maybe you even wolf down the whole thing. But then a few moments later, your stomach becomes a bit queezy, and you begin to question your judgment and taste. You see, the thing about McDonald's is that it tastes great, and if you go long enough without eating it, you begin to pine away for a big greasy cheese burger. Afterwards you realize you've stuffed yourself, but your body has received no real nutritional benefit.
And such is the music of Def Leppard. Oh, don't get me wrong. This has to be some of the most brilliantly produced pop music of all time. Pounding electronic drum beats, shimmery electric guitars, slick vocal harmonies, everything you need to make a great pop/rock song is there. Catchy is hardly the word to describe it. It's more like infectious. This is the kind of music that begs you to turn your car speakers up to ridiculous volumes. All this, and the drummer only has ONE arm! You can't beat that.
However... Joe Elliot has to have the most ridiculously affected vocal style aside from Creed's Scott Stapp. This is British campiness at its best. The whole thing is sugary sweet, like putting extra sugar on Frosted Flakes sweet. Layers upon layers of processed vocals are smothered all over the sing along choruses. But that only serves to accentuate the lyrics. A word of caution: when Def Leppard uses the word "love" in their songs, they aren't really talking about love at all, if you know what I mean. "If it pleases you it pleases me." Don't be fooled, this has nothing to do with self-sacrifice. This stuff is pure hedonism. Ah, but its all couched in the best (and I do mean best) of power ballad open heartedness. So when Elliot sings "Stand up for love!" with all seriousness and emotion, you kind of just feel nauseated.
But still, the whole thing has just enough believability to keep me listening for a weekend straight (I think my fever broke this morning). And it has enough charisma to sell about 150 million plus CDs worldwide. You see, the person largely responsible for Def Leppard's glorious "sound" is producer Mutt Lange. Now, even if you've never heard Def Leppard, chances are you've heard Mutt Lange. In addition to producing AC/DC, Brian Adams and The Corrs, Mutt Lang is married to the ostentatious Shaniah Twain.
Oh, and he makes her music too. If you listen closely, you begin to realize that Shaniah Twain is little more than Def Leppard with a country twist. It really is remarkable. Lange took a sound that had become dated, unfashionable, and hokey with rock fans, and turned his struggling, country-ditty singing sweetheart into the highest selling female artist ever. Certainly the whole midriff thing helps. But I've gotta think that somehwere deep down in the world's musical psyche, there is a hunger for the pounding, anthemic overtones of the Def Leppard/Mutt Lange sound.
Shaniah may be a nobody right now. The Leppard might be old and toothless. But in about 10 years, Lange will resurrect his sound with some new musical prodigy, and the whole thing will begin anew. "Try to stop this thing coming." I dare you.
All I wanna do is take a ride into the blue
Every time I wanna rock I'm stuck inside my room
Heaven knows I'm sick and tired of dancing with this broom
Do you wanna get rocked?
- Def Leppard
I grew up listening to bands like Def Leppard. Last week, I took a stroll down memory lane and bought a copy of their Adrenalize CD for about three bucks. It had been about 5 years since I'd listened to Def Leppard. In that time, I'd rediscovered grunge, accepted the Radiohead fad, and become more interested in obscure progressive rock bands like Marillion and King Crimson than glam metal.
I sat down to listen to Adrenalize as I ate my double cheeseburger from McDonald's. Needless to say, the cheese flowed liberally in more ways than one. It is amazing how comparable the music of Def Leppard is to a meal from McDonald's. You enjoy the first few bites, or maybe you even wolf down the whole thing. But then a few moments later, your stomach becomes a bit queezy, and you begin to question your judgment and taste. You see, the thing about McDonald's is that it tastes great, and if you go long enough without eating it, you begin to pine away for a big greasy cheese burger. Afterwards you realize you've stuffed yourself, but your body has received no real nutritional benefit.
And such is the music of Def Leppard. Oh, don't get me wrong. This has to be some of the most brilliantly produced pop music of all time. Pounding electronic drum beats, shimmery electric guitars, slick vocal harmonies, everything you need to make a great pop/rock song is there. Catchy is hardly the word to describe it. It's more like infectious. This is the kind of music that begs you to turn your car speakers up to ridiculous volumes. All this, and the drummer only has ONE arm! You can't beat that.
However... Joe Elliot has to have the most ridiculously affected vocal style aside from Creed's Scott Stapp. This is British campiness at its best. The whole thing is sugary sweet, like putting extra sugar on Frosted Flakes sweet. Layers upon layers of processed vocals are smothered all over the sing along choruses. But that only serves to accentuate the lyrics. A word of caution: when Def Leppard uses the word "love" in their songs, they aren't really talking about love at all, if you know what I mean. "If it pleases you it pleases me." Don't be fooled, this has nothing to do with self-sacrifice. This stuff is pure hedonism. Ah, but its all couched in the best (and I do mean best) of power ballad open heartedness. So when Elliot sings "Stand up for love!" with all seriousness and emotion, you kind of just feel nauseated.
But still, the whole thing has just enough believability to keep me listening for a weekend straight (I think my fever broke this morning). And it has enough charisma to sell about 150 million plus CDs worldwide. You see, the person largely responsible for Def Leppard's glorious "sound" is producer Mutt Lange. Now, even if you've never heard Def Leppard, chances are you've heard Mutt Lange. In addition to producing AC/DC, Brian Adams and The Corrs, Mutt Lang is married to the ostentatious Shaniah Twain.
Oh, and he makes her music too. If you listen closely, you begin to realize that Shaniah Twain is little more than Def Leppard with a country twist. It really is remarkable. Lange took a sound that had become dated, unfashionable, and hokey with rock fans, and turned his struggling, country-ditty singing sweetheart into the highest selling female artist ever. Certainly the whole midriff thing helps. But I've gotta think that somehwere deep down in the world's musical psyche, there is a hunger for the pounding, anthemic overtones of the Def Leppard/Mutt Lange sound.
Shaniah may be a nobody right now. The Leppard might be old and toothless. But in about 10 years, Lange will resurrect his sound with some new musical prodigy, and the whole thing will begin anew. "Try to stop this thing coming." I dare you.
All I wanna do is take a ride into the blue
Every time I wanna rock I'm stuck inside my room
Heaven knows I'm sick and tired of dancing with this broom
Do you wanna get rocked?
- Def Leppard
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
You Mad Dog, Shaven Head, Bottle-Boy Freaks!
The theme of the day is things you'll never be able to use in normal conversation. Such as the title phrase. It's a beautiful and heartfelt rant. But I don't really know anybody that fits the description. Alas, I'll probably never get to use it... much like Jerry Stiller's Festivus greeting in Seinfeld, "I've got a lot of problems with you people."
How about thouse big, ostentatious words (like ostentatious) that rattle around in your head while you're internally dialoging with yourself? You use them quite confidently with yourself, as if you were assured of their meaning and no other word in the human language could express your thought as well. My word is cognizant. I use it all the time to myself, as if I'm cognizant of the fact that my subconscious is screaming at me to use it in public. People would certainly be impressed by my using such a word. But the opportunity never quite seems to arise. By the way, who knew there was a "z" in cognizant?
Then there are some situations that call for a double negative, a subject/verb disagreement, mixed tense, or some other non-linear gramatical expression. Today's is, "used to was," because that is the truth. I woke up this morning and was cognizant of the fact that it is colder than it used to was. It is not just colder than it is, it is colder than it was. "Be" sort of carries the idea of something that is now. Obviously, the phrase "used to" makes up for it. But saying it my way emphasizes the fact that non-cold weather exists only in the past and was extremely transient in nature. It didn't just "used to be," it "used to was." See the difference? I give you permission to use logically incoherent phraseology at least once today.
One off topic thing to touch on before I go. If you have any dreams involving me sitting on the roof enjoying the view while on acid and hiding from society, please do let me know. I don't know how, but I fear such visions may really concern me and my wellbeing. Friends let friends know about that kind of stuff.
No sleep no sleep no sleep no sleep
And no mad video machine to eat time
A city scene I can't explain
The Seine alone at 4am, the Seine alone at 4am
Neal and Jack and me
Absent lovers, absent lovers...
- King Crimson
The theme of the day is things you'll never be able to use in normal conversation. Such as the title phrase. It's a beautiful and heartfelt rant. But I don't really know anybody that fits the description. Alas, I'll probably never get to use it... much like Jerry Stiller's Festivus greeting in Seinfeld, "I've got a lot of problems with you people."
How about thouse big, ostentatious words (like ostentatious) that rattle around in your head while you're internally dialoging with yourself? You use them quite confidently with yourself, as if you were assured of their meaning and no other word in the human language could express your thought as well. My word is cognizant. I use it all the time to myself, as if I'm cognizant of the fact that my subconscious is screaming at me to use it in public. People would certainly be impressed by my using such a word. But the opportunity never quite seems to arise. By the way, who knew there was a "z" in cognizant?
Then there are some situations that call for a double negative, a subject/verb disagreement, mixed tense, or some other non-linear gramatical expression. Today's is, "used to was," because that is the truth. I woke up this morning and was cognizant of the fact that it is colder than it used to was. It is not just colder than it is, it is colder than it was. "Be" sort of carries the idea of something that is now. Obviously, the phrase "used to" makes up for it. But saying it my way emphasizes the fact that non-cold weather exists only in the past and was extremely transient in nature. It didn't just "used to be," it "used to was." See the difference? I give you permission to use logically incoherent phraseology at least once today.
One off topic thing to touch on before I go. If you have any dreams involving me sitting on the roof enjoying the view while on acid and hiding from society, please do let me know. I don't know how, but I fear such visions may really concern me and my wellbeing. Friends let friends know about that kind of stuff.
No sleep no sleep no sleep no sleep
And no mad video machine to eat time
A city scene I can't explain
The Seine alone at 4am, the Seine alone at 4am
Neal and Jack and me
Absent lovers, absent lovers...
- King Crimson
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