Empty Calories: McDonald's, Def Leppard, and Shaniah Twain

I grew up listening to bands like Def Leppard. Last week, I took a stroll down memory lane and bought a copy of their Adrenalize CD for about three bucks. It had been about 5 years since I'd listened to Def Leppard. In that time, I'd rediscovered grunge, accepted the Radiohead fad, and become more interested in obscure progressive rock bands like Marillion and King Crimson than glam metal.

I sat down to listen to Adrenalize as I ate my double cheeseburger from McDonald's. Needless to say, the cheese flowed liberally in more ways than one. It is amazing how comparable the music of Def Leppard is to a meal from McDonald's. You enjoy the first few bites, or maybe you even wolf down the whole thing. But then a few moments later, your stomach becomes a bit queezy, and you begin to question your judgment and taste. You see, the thing about McDonald's is that it tastes great, and if you go long enough without eating it, you begin to pine away for a big greasy cheese burger. Afterwards you realize you've stuffed yourself, but your body has received no real nutritional benefit.

And such is the music of Def Leppard. Oh, don't get me wrong. This has to be some of the most brilliantly produced pop music of all time. Pounding electronic drum beats, shimmery electric guitars, slick vocal harmonies, everything you need to make a great pop/rock song is there. Catchy is hardly the word to describe it. It's more like infectious. This is the kind of music that begs you to turn your car speakers up to ridiculous volumes. All this, and the drummer only has ONE arm! You can't beat that.


However... Joe Elliot has to have the most ridiculously affected vocal style aside from Creed's Scott Stapp. This is British campiness at its best. The whole thing is sugary sweet, like putting extra sugar on Frosted Flakes sweet. Layers upon layers of processed vocals are smothered all over the sing along choruses. But that only serves to accentuate the lyrics. A word of caution: when Def Leppard uses the word "love" in their songs, they aren't really talking about love at all, if you know what I mean. "If it pleases you it pleases me." Don't be fooled, this has nothing to do with self-sacrifice. This stuff is pure hedonism. Ah, but its all couched in the best (and I do mean best) of power ballad open heartedness. So when Elliot sings "Stand up for love!" with all seriousness and emotion, you kind of just feel nauseated.

But still, the whole thing has just enough believability to keep me listening for a weekend straight (I think my fever broke this morning). And it has enough charisma to sell about 150 million plus CDs worldwide. You see, the person largely responsible for Def Leppard's glorious "sound" is producer Mutt Lange. Now, even if you've never heard Def Leppard, chances are you've heard Mutt Lange. In addition to producing AC/DC, Brian Adams and The Corrs, Mutt Lang is married to the ostentatious Shaniah Twain.

Oh, and he makes her music too. If you listen closely, you begin to realize that Shaniah Twain is little more than Def Leppard with a country twist. It really is remarkable. Lange took a sound that had become dated, unfashionable, and hokey with rock fans, and turned his struggling, country-ditty singing sweetheart into the highest selling female artist ever. Certainly the whole midriff thing helps. But I've gotta think that somehwere deep down in the world's musical psyche, there is a hunger for the pounding, anthemic overtones of the Def Leppard/Mutt Lange sound.

Shaniah may be a nobody right now. The Leppard might be old and toothless. But in about 10 years, Lange will resurrect his sound with some new musical prodigy, and the whole thing will begin anew. "Try to stop this thing coming." I dare you.


All I wanna do is take a ride into the blue
Every time I wanna rock I'm stuck inside my room
Heaven knows I'm sick and tired of dancing with this broom
Do you wanna get rocked?
- Def Leppard